UFC 116: half-assed live-blogger, at your service.

Yeah, so I missed most of the first fight because I was outside smoking, and then getting some pudding. It's rice pudding, made by Kozy Shack, and it's delicious... I highly recommend it. ANYWHO... Rusty will be back in the morning with her write-up, I'm sure, but in the mean time...here we go..

Sotiropolous v. Pelligrino -- I caught the very end, and by the very end I mean the third-round bell. I know Sotiropolous won by unanimous decision, and he has a very lovely Australian accent. The BF should be happy...I'm pretty sure he picked him to win (and since we always go against each other when we pick fights, this would mean that I was supposed to be rooting for Batman...oh well).

Soz...Sosz...uh, the Polish Experiment v. Bonnar -- I'm supposed to be rooting for Bonnar. The BF picked the other dude because he's Canadian, but I have to say I'm secretly going for He Whose Name I Cannot Spell. He's pretty. Whatever, I do what I want! Oops. Bonnar's apparently tougher than he looks...guess I shoulda kept my fat mouth shut. But seriously? "The American Psycho"? He needs a new nickname...just sayin'.

Chris Lytle v. Matt Brown -- Hmmm. I'm so heavily invested in this fight that I have no memory of who I picked to win. Brown, probably, because I like his nickname. His walkout music, however, is grating on my nerves...as are the fireworks my Korean neighbors are shooting off their back deck. Damnit, people, don't you know the UFC is on?!? Brown hits Lytle with a nice slap to the face with his left foot...and at some point, Lytle winds up in a lovely little choke-hold which he eventually escapes. Impressive. Ok, I'm very tired and beginning to nod off. Lytle goes all break-dancer on Brown's face and gets him in three different holds within fifteen seconds, and he is now doing some sort of crucifix-crotchintheface move that jacks Brown's elbow and forces him to tap. Wow. That's two sad little elbows so far this event (the Petruzelli-Romero fight ended in similar fashion).. Lytle by submission.

Chris Leben v. Yoshiro Akiyama -- Sigh. As we all know (and as Rusty is no doubt crying into her beer as we speak), this was SUPPOSED to be Wanderlei Silva v. Akiyama, and that woulda been a no-brainer. We love us some Wanderlei. And Rusty really loves her some Wanderlei. Oh, and did I mention that I really dislike Chris Leben? I can't say why, but something about him makes me want to punch him in the mouth.

This is, perhaps, the strangest walk-out music I've ever heard in the UFC. Hell, it's the strangest walk-out I've ever seen. Akiyama apparently has a little ritual he goes through before he walks out, and it's impressive. I think I may be developing a little crush on Sexyama. Oh noes!

And it took Akiyama all of 8 seconds to get Leben down, but he pops back up like one of those dummy clowns...and Leben gets kicked in the junk and has to manhandle himself before he can get back into the fight. Hmm...

Akiyama's ground game is impressive. I'm liking this Judo stuff. Too bad it's really not as effective when Leben's throwing punches like a mofo. Two minutes into the second round and they both seem exhausted. And now they're on the ground! And laying there! And rolling around! I really need more coffee.. Is it a draw if both fighters simultaneously pass out from exhaustion? What about if the blogger passes out? But I digress..

I have no idea who's winning this fight. Really. That's Rusty's territory, being the resident expert on MMA. The crowd is now booing, which really chaps my ass -- these guys are doing something you, Mr. Fat Couch Potato, couldn't do if your life depended on it, and you have no right to boo them for not being as exciting as you'd like them to be. If you want them to stand up the whole fight, go watch boxing. Better yet, if all you care about is the spectacle, I'm sure there's some pro wrestling on USA right about now.. My point is, STFU with the booing, you assclowns.

And Leben wins with a triangle. Shit. My record for picking 'em this time around ain't so great. And then Leben goes and ruins it by CALLING OUT WANDERLEI SILVA. Excuse me while I add this to my list of reasons to dislike Chris Leben.

Ok, while the rest of you are suffering through commercials (on PPV? what?), I shall be going for more coffee...

Brock Lesnar v. Shane Carwin -- Carwin. Carwin, Carwin, Carwin. I love him. He is a bad-ass motherfucker. And he's from Colorado. And he seems like he's a nice guy. What's not to love about Carwin? On the other hand we have Brock Lesnar, who irritates the everloving hell out of me. His hair is annoying, his tattoos are annoying, his attitude is annoying. Unfortunately, he's an excellent wrestler and ridiculously agile for...well, for a little guy, let alone a guy his size. But Carwin's also a good wrestler....and he's currently beating the ever loving hell out of Lesnar at three minutes left in the first. Oh goody, Lesnar is bleeding! And laying there...and getting beat on some more...and now he's on his feet, damnit. And dragging Carwin into a second round for the first time in his professional career. DAMN YOU, BROCK!

Round two, and I'm really excited! And Lesnar gets Carwin on his back. Not cool, Broccoli, not cool. Oddly, it would appear I'm much more concerned about this than Shane. He seems rather zen about the whole thing...even as Lesnar gets him in a choke...and tries to pop his head off...and FUCK ME, CARWIN TAPPED. Now Lesnar's never going to shut the fuck up... Sigh.

To his credit, the mouthy bastard has nothing snotty to say after the fight. Could it be that his bout with diverticulitis cured him of his jackassery? God, I freaking hope so...

And Shane, sweetie...you got 'im next time.. ;)