UFC 116: half-assed live-blogger, at your service.

Yeah, so I missed most of the first fight because I was outside smoking, and then getting some pudding. It's rice pudding, made by Kozy Shack, and it's delicious... I highly recommend it. ANYWHO... Rusty will be back in the morning with her write-up, I'm sure, but in the mean time...here we go..

Sotiropolous v. Pelligrino -- I caught the very end, and by the very end I mean the third-round bell. I know Sotiropolous won by unanimous decision, and he has a very lovely Australian accent. The BF should be happy...I'm pretty sure he picked him to win (and since we always go against each other when we pick fights, this would mean that I was supposed to be rooting for Batman...oh well).

Soz...Sosz...uh, the Polish Experiment v. Bonnar -- I'm supposed to be rooting for Bonnar. The BF picked the other dude because he's Canadian, but I have to say I'm secretly going for He Whose Name I Cannot Spell. He's pretty. Whatever, I do what I want! Oops. Bonnar's apparently tougher than he looks...guess I shoulda kept my fat mouth shut. But seriously? "The American Psycho"? He needs a new nickname...just sayin'.

Chris Lytle v. Matt Brown -- Hmmm. I'm so heavily invested in this fight that I have no memory of who I picked to win. Brown, probably, because I like his nickname. His walkout music, however, is grating on my nerves...as are the fireworks my Korean neighbors are shooting off their back deck. Damnit, people, don't you know the UFC is on?!? Brown hits Lytle with a nice slap to the face with his left foot...and at some point, Lytle winds up in a lovely little choke-hold which he eventually escapes. Impressive. Ok, I'm very tired and beginning to nod off. Lytle goes all break-dancer on Brown's face and gets him in three different holds within fifteen seconds, and he is now doing some sort of crucifix-crotchintheface move that jacks Brown's elbow and forces him to tap. Wow. That's two sad little elbows so far this event (the Petruzelli-Romero fight ended in similar fashion).. Lytle by submission.

Chris Leben v. Yoshiro Akiyama -- Sigh. As we all know (and as Rusty is no doubt crying into her beer as we speak), this was SUPPOSED to be Wanderlei Silva v. Akiyama, and that woulda been a no-brainer. We love us some Wanderlei. And Rusty really loves her some Wanderlei. Oh, and did I mention that I really dislike Chris Leben? I can't say why, but something about him makes me want to punch him in the mouth.

This is, perhaps, the strangest walk-out music I've ever heard in the UFC. Hell, it's the strangest walk-out I've ever seen. Akiyama apparently has a little ritual he goes through before he walks out, and it's impressive. I think I may be developing a little crush on Sexyama. Oh noes!

And it took Akiyama all of 8 seconds to get Leben down, but he pops back up like one of those dummy clowns...and Leben gets kicked in the junk and has to manhandle himself before he can get back into the fight. Hmm...

Akiyama's ground game is impressive. I'm liking this Judo stuff. Too bad it's really not as effective when Leben's throwing punches like a mofo. Two minutes into the second round and they both seem exhausted. And now they're on the ground! And laying there! And rolling around! I really need more coffee.. Is it a draw if both fighters simultaneously pass out from exhaustion? What about if the blogger passes out? But I digress..

I have no idea who's winning this fight. Really. That's Rusty's territory, being the resident expert on MMA. The crowd is now booing, which really chaps my ass -- these guys are doing something you, Mr. Fat Couch Potato, couldn't do if your life depended on it, and you have no right to boo them for not being as exciting as you'd like them to be. If you want them to stand up the whole fight, go watch boxing. Better yet, if all you care about is the spectacle, I'm sure there's some pro wrestling on USA right about now.. My point is, STFU with the booing, you assclowns.

And Leben wins with a triangle. Shit. My record for picking 'em this time around ain't so great. And then Leben goes and ruins it by CALLING OUT WANDERLEI SILVA. Excuse me while I add this to my list of reasons to dislike Chris Leben.

Ok, while the rest of you are suffering through commercials (on PPV? what?), I shall be going for more coffee...

Brock Lesnar v. Shane Carwin -- Carwin. Carwin, Carwin, Carwin. I love him. He is a bad-ass motherfucker. And he's from Colorado. And he seems like he's a nice guy. What's not to love about Carwin? On the other hand we have Brock Lesnar, who irritates the everloving hell out of me. His hair is annoying, his tattoos are annoying, his attitude is annoying. Unfortunately, he's an excellent wrestler and ridiculously agile for...well, for a little guy, let alone a guy his size. But Carwin's also a good wrestler....and he's currently beating the ever loving hell out of Lesnar at three minutes left in the first. Oh goody, Lesnar is bleeding! And laying there...and getting beat on some more...and now he's on his feet, damnit. And dragging Carwin into a second round for the first time in his professional career. DAMN YOU, BROCK!

Round two, and I'm really excited! And Lesnar gets Carwin on his back. Not cool, Broccoli, not cool. Oddly, it would appear I'm much more concerned about this than Shane. He seems rather zen about the whole thing...even as Lesnar gets him in a choke...and tries to pop his head off...and FUCK ME, CARWIN TAPPED. Now Lesnar's never going to shut the fuck up... Sigh.

To his credit, the mouthy bastard has nothing snotty to say after the fight. Could it be that his bout with diverticulitis cured him of his jackassery? God, I freaking hope so...

And Shane, sweetie...you got 'im next time.. ;)

FIGHT PICKS

These are my fight picks, next time I'll try really hard to keep it short, I promise! Even I know that this is a little ridiculous! But heres what I think.

Jon Madsen vs. Karlos Vemola - Its Veloma's first UFC fight. He was the CFC heavyweight champion in the UK at one point (although he is actually Czech). He's 7-0, and Madsen in 5-0, so they're both undefeated. This is just a guess on my part, I know Madsen is a good fighter too, but I figure Vemola is going to come in looking to prove something. The only problem? His wife is expecting baby number two on the day of the fight, so he may be distracted. I like Madsen ok, and I don't know enough about Vemola to like him or dislike him, so I wouldn't mind Madsen winning either:)

Daniel Roberts vs. Forrest Petz - I'll go with Roberts I guess, because I believe he has a stronger grappling background. Hes experienced in wrestling and jiu-jitsu.

Gerald Harris vs. Dave Branch - Going with Branch. He is 6-0, Harris has had two losses. Branch is new to the UFC, and I like him because he came off as being a little nervous at the weigh-ins.

Kendall Grove vs. Goran Reljic - Going with Reljic on this one, because I like him. And really, regarding Grove, what kind of name is Da Spyder? "Spider" isn't even spelled right...and "da" isn't even a real WORD!!!!

Seth Petruzelli vs. Ricardo Romero - Petruzelli all the way!!! He lost his last two UFC fights and was cut, this is true, BUT since then he's had four wins, including a TKO of Kimbo Slice. Also hes hilarious, and I like him. This is Romero's first UFC fight. He has the better record with 10-1-0, but what can I say...hope springs eternal.

Brendan Schaub vs. Chris Tuchscherer - I'm for the hybrid I think. Tuchsherer says hes arrogant, but I haven't seen that yet.

George Sotiropoulos vs. Kurt Pellegrino - Only because he just tried to face off with Dana White at the weigh-ins. It made me laugh out loud!

Krzysztof Soszynski vs. Stephan Bonnar - I dislike Stephan Bonnar so very, very much. I can't really put my finger on why, but I do. Also in his fight pic he was sucking in his stomach to the point of it being ridiculous. Soszynsiki looked like he was in AWESOME shape at the weigh-in. Also I love his tattoos, they're incredible!!

Chris Lytle vs. Matt Brown -Lytle's had more fights but they're both around 50% give or take. I just like Brown better.

Yoshihiro Akiyama vs. Chris Leben - Ok, not a Leben fan...I'm a Wanderlei fan...*sob sob*...but moving on, I'm calling it for Leben, and I'll tell you why. Leben wants to fight, Leben likes to fight, he agreed to a fight on EXTREMELY short notice, exactly 14 days after his last fight. I don't care who you are, thats impressive....not as impressive as Wanderlei Silva would have been, but I'll move on. Before Wanderlei Silva had to pull out of this fight, I didn't have much of an opinion on Akiyama, I didn't know much about him. I just thought of him as the guy that Wanderlei was going to beat. Well when Wanderlei had to pull out, Akiyama started running his mouth, and saying that he didn't want to fight Leben because Leben wasn't famous enough for him to get the publicity that someone as famous as Wanderlei Silva would get him. He was talking about not even going through with the fight. I don't know what happened but something must have convinced him to go ahead....most likely more money...that or he was reminded that he was contractually obligated. So Akiyama problem number one, is that he has no heart at all. I gotta admit, Leben has the heart whether I like him or not. And reason number two I can't stand Akiyama...hes a greaser. He has a reputation of doing it as often as he can get away with it. He actually had a win against Kazyshi Sakuraba, a Japanese legend, overturned because Sakuraba filed a complaint. First he denied it, but eventually "Sexyama" admitted to using lotion. The DQ said that he used "huge amounts of skin cream all over his body". which K-1 strictly prohibits. He claimed he didn't know...the whole fight Sakuraba kept yelling that he was slippery and yelling at the ref to stop the fight. If you watch the fight, you can see it, its obvious! He keeps grabbing Akiyama and Akiyama keeps slipping right out of his hands. The ref didn't stop it, and then wrote in his private blog about being taken out to dinner after the fight...My original point however was that Akiyama has no heart, and he greases. I hope that Leben's hair bleeds all over him! Just an added note, I'm watching the weigh-ins as we speak, and he just LOOKS like a douche.

Brock Lesnar vs. Shane Carwin - Carwin all the way!! He looks like hes in great shape, from what I can see, watching the weigh-ins. Oh update! Lesnar still hasn't found his neck! No suprise, they don't shake hands. I don't know why people are so sure Lesnar is going to win. Carwin's average fight length is 1:08, hes undefeated, Lesnar is not. NONE of Carwins 12 fights have made it past the first round! Hes a beast! For all the promotion that they're doing on this fight, and all the money that Lesnar is making, I'm not sure why they aren't paying him more. Hes getting 40 grand to fight and another 40 to win. I don't think that anyone doubts that Lesnar is probably getting 6 figures to fight. Who knows how much he'd get if he won...which of course he would not. My point is, that even if Carwin wins, he STILL won't be making as much as Lesnar. He has more experience, more wins under his belt, a perfect record, and a soul. These are all areas in which Lesnar is deficient.

WEEKLY WANDERLEI

I still can't believe that he won't be in UFC 116. I cry myself to sleep every night when I think about it. Regardless of that. This weekly Wanderlei is a clip where he "teaches" that kid who took the ring girl to the prom, a pickup-line